When politics gets personal, Israel suffers. Well, with guys like these in charge...

It's the opposite of the Republican convention tagline in Minneapolis/St Paul. Because of graft at the top, in Israel these days, country comes last, concludes Ben Caspit in today's Hebrew daily, Ma’ariv. It's a heartfelt rant, which sheds a light on the rancour inside the leadership. English translation below:

It is difficult to believe that not long ago they yearned for each other, conducted a torrid love affair behind Amir Peretz’s back and counted the days until they could unite publicly. Here they are, the two Ehuds, the prime minister and the defense minister, walking together towards a common future. Ha.
Their common future looks today like Hell. They are immersed in a sea of toxic gastric juices, giving each other grief, sitting opposite each other in the cabinet meeting with burning, terrifying eyes, pecking at each other’s livers and saying things about one another that are hard to imagine. Barak has succeeded in causing Olmert to again like, a little bit, sometimes, Tzippi Livni. Olmert will yet return Barak to the arms of Shimon Peres. Yes, things are that bad.
The problem is that both of them are right. Barak was right when he forced Olmert to vacate the scene, Olmert is right in what he says and thinks about Barak. This is neither the first time, nor the last, that our state leadership looks like a street fight between gangs in Harlem. It happened to Rabin and Peres, it happened to Bibi and Mordechai (and Levy, and Meridor, and many more), it happened to Barak and Ramon (and Levy, and Sarid, and everyone), it happened to Sharon and Bibi, it happened to Shamir, it happened to Ben-Gurion, it happened to Eshkol, it happened to Begin. It will happen to everyone.
The system of government in force here is destructive, impossible, it does not enable governing, decision-making, making long-term plans. The system makes everything personal, here and now. Everything is conditional. Every morning anew you have to count hands, bribe your way to the end of the day. No one is willing to see the other succeed at anything. Barak will not let Olmert make peace with the Syrians, because he wants to do it himself. Everyone makes their personal calculations. There is also a country here, but in the existing system the country comes last. Long live the primaries.
Besides that, yesterday was a sad day. In the cabinet meeting, and in general. A day of a sweeping police recommendation to file an unprecedented indictment against Israel’s prime minister. Eight o’clock in the evening, like clockwork, upon the start of the news editions, was also the hour of the recommendation. The public has long since lost its confidence in the prime minister, in his government, but also in the rest of the systems. The police, for example. The rule of law. Everyone, in the end, has their eye on 8:00 PM. And then too, what was published is far from what will happen. We are still waiting for the indictment against [president] Moshe Katsav for rape. Olmert will be indicted, that is clear, the question is for what, bribery? It’s not certain that it will be for that. But what difference does it make.
What was Olmert hinting at when he spoke about Barak’s sensitive leaks? About his damage to security? Two things are burning up the prime minister: The first is the fact that Barak said that Olmert had delayed the truce in Gaza when the reality, says Olmert, is the opposite. Barak, in his insane paranoia, was opposed to convening the security cabinet, and preferred to decide everything alone, just with Olmert, in a secret partnership.
The second thing is related to covert operations, in which Barak is trying to forcibly take credit he does not deserve. In Olmert’s drawer lie transcripts of recordings of discussions and work meetings that prove how Barak twists reality in his favor. Olmert tossed these transcripts in Barak’s face, but what does it matter now. It’s all history. So is Olmert.
This coming Wednesday, US [envoy] General Jones is supposed to come to Israel, in an attempt to organize the bottom line in advance of the end of George Bush’s term, with regard to the negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians. The Americans very much want to make a dramatic statement at the UN General Assembly session towards the end of September, they are talking about a presidential address, a joint document, a declaration of one kind or another, various formats and ideas. They want to promote this with the Israeli government, but where is the Israeli government? There is no Israeli government.
There is only Armageddon, investigations, leaks, reports, clashes, passions, envy, hatred and conflicting interests of candidates for the primary and just plain candidates. There is no law and no judge. A retired Supreme Court justice recommends on television that cabinet ministers receive psychological therapy, and a prime minister all but strangles his defense minister before his astounded ministers, and his defense minister, the same evening, at a gathering of the Labor Party (there is such a thing) in Haifa, reminds us: “Don’t forget, we’re all brothers.” As if we had forgotten.

Cartoon of Ehud Olmert in criminal mode by Ben Heine.

Urgent Email from Ersatz Israel

Hmmm...could there perhaps be a Nigerian twist in this sleazy tale of Slim-Fast and fat envelopes?
According to Jameel, over at the clever Muqata blog, shortly before the Prime Minister's rapprochement with Syria was announced with full fanfare from Turkey, the email below had been making the rounds:

Urgent Email from Olmert
Got this by email a few minutes ago...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Ehud Olmert
Date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 5:20 PM
Subject: urgent
To: Jameel Rashid


From: PM Ehud Olmert

Greetings from Jerusalem

Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it serious. We want to transfer to overseas account (30,000.000 NIS) Thirty million New Israeli Shekels from a prime Bank here in Israel. I want to ask you, if you are not capable to quietly look for reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this money, even an empty a/c can serve to receive this money, as long as you will remain honest to me till the end for this important business trusting in you and believing in God that you will never let me down either now or in future.

I am PM Ehud Olmert, presently the Prime Minister of Israel. Potentially in the course of an audit next week, it will be discovered that I have a floating fund in an account opened in the bank in 1990, in which I regularly deposited envelopes full of cash. I discovered that with the audit next week, if I do not get this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing.

The official owner of this account is my wife Aliza, a great artist and a resident of Jerusalem, who unfortunately never had any art skills, and it shows it what she produces.

While we would have claimed that the deposits were for artwork, no one believes that any more, as who would actually by her crap. No other person knows about this account or anything concerning it - yet.

The total amount involved is Thirty million New Israeli Shekels only [30,000.000.00 NIS] and we wish to transfer this money into safe foreigners account abroad. But while I know many foreigners who give me money, I don't know any foreigner who will keep their mouth shut; I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money cannot be approved to a local person here, but to a foreigner who has information about the account, which I shall give to you upon your positive response. I am revealing this to you with believe in God that you will never let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently.

At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 40% of the total amount, 50% will be for us while 10% will be for the expenses both parties may incurred during this transaction. PLEASE, TREAT THIS PROPOSAL AS TOP SECRET.

I look forward to your earliest reply

Best Regards,

PM Ehud Olmert

Jerusalem, Israel

Israelis probe local Interpol chief

In the latest police scandal to rock Israel, the local head of Interpol has been forced to take leave while investigators launch a probe into his alleged visas-for-antiquities scam.

According to reports on Israel Army Radio, Deputy-Commander Asher Ben-Artzi, who heads the Israel Police Interpol and Foreign Liaison Section, is suspected of using his influence with the American Consulate in order to assist criminals to get entrance visas approval for the United States. The bribes he allegedly favors are antique curios or priceless small relics, such as this figurine of Baal.

Police declined to release any further details in this ongoing investigation; Ben-Artzi said the misunderstanding would be cleared up "in a matter of days."
The Russian mafia is increasingly active inside Israel, after the influx of over a million emigres from the former Soviet Union. Israel has its own influential gangland figures, too. Hmmm. Figurines seem to hold a bit of sway as well.

Life after death: a seminal decision

While public outrage over the sexual peccadilloes of the Israeli president has come to a head and Moshe Katsav is to be forced out of office after abusing his position and allegedly raping employees, there is surprisingly little controversy about an unnatural sexual practice that can provide grandchildren from beyond the grave.

This is not your ordinary test-tube granny.

It might seem inconceivable, but a judge’s ruling in Ramat Gan this week has opened the door to necro-paternity in Israel. Rachel Cohen, a grieving mother whose soldier son was shot dead by a sniper in Gaza some four years ago, had insisted that the morgue harvest her 20-year-old boy’s sperm and freeze it. She battled successfully in court to claim his seed from the hospital, even though her son Keivan had left no such instructions. Now a surrogate mother, who never even met Keivan, has volunteered to try and carry a long-delayed grandchild to term and surrender it to the dead soldier’s family.

This sounds like some ghoulish plot twist from a Stephen King novel, but the ruling is being portrayed as a landmark in family rights. The family disclosed that 200 patriotic Israeli women came forward to be impregnated, and they selected a healthy 25-year-old for this remarkable labour of love.

"The drama is international, that mankind is able to continue after [a man's] death and his family can raise a new generation while he is no longer here," Irit Rosenblum, the family’s lawyer, told reporters. Rosenblum views this as a life-affirming war time trend. Before heading to battle in Lebanon last summer, some 100 IDF fighters either left behind sperm samples, or requested that post-mortem extractions be provided to their spouses, she said. Apparently, numerous American soldiers also deposited samples in sperm banks before deployment to Iraq. But that seems fundamentally different from a distraught mother acquiring the seed from her son’s corpse.

"Every time I go to his grave and touch his cold tombstone I tell myself how wonderful it would be to hold a warm child in my arms instead," Rachel Cohen said. "For Keivin it was his soul's desire to have children.”

All this is rather chilling. To me, adoption seems a far better option than quasi necro-incest.

Strike Stricken -- expired spies, Mizo Jews, and the Spoonbender

What a hectic Wednesday morning at Tel Aviv airport. The good news is that it was a British Airways Flight to Istanbul, not the one to Tel Aviv, which has been identified with some traces of the deadly Polonium 210 isotopes aboard. (It's the same stuff that poisoned that defiant ex-KGB bloke at a London sushi bar). Even passengers who rode that plane are not at much risk unless they sucked a sweaty arm rest or something. In my foul mood, I could be prone to such erratic behaviour any minute.

After two hours spent grilling my son about the Afghan visas in his passport from last summer, Israeli immigration officers let him loose. Sadly, this is ninety minutes after the General Strike begins. Consequently there is no hope of getting any luggage until this ruckus is settled. He has been handed a sheet with instructions to keep up with the news, and return to the airport with bag checks to claim luggage whenever the dispute is done.

Ah, industrial action. It has slowed the terminal bustle to a crawl in the dark. Overhead lights have been snapped off. I came Wednesday before dawn to meet my younger son’s flight from London, only to watch three separate planeloads of passengers file by me without any sign of him. At half past five in the morning, a scrum of photographers forms around groups of slight-figured Asians wearing kipas and chattering in Hebrew. These new arrivals must be the the Mizo Jews from India’s northeast-- one of the 217 lost tribes funded to migrate to the Holy Land. There are 65 of these passengers, all tired out from the long Bombay flight, some clutching infants, others pushing aged parents in wheelchairs. On their faces is a mixture of confusion, exhaustion and exhilaration.

I cannot read one iota of emotion on the next face: dark glasses obscure an eerily familiar features, and a slim man walks past with erect posture and bared teeth. A ripple goes through the crowd. It is Uri Geller, the spoonbending celebrity. Wanly, I try to vibe him a plea to perform some minor miracle and make my son appear. Doesn’t seem to work very well, though. Next, I learn that my husband’s BA flight has been cancelled. This long saga is trying my patience.

Er, while you were sleeping, sir...

If former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon were ever to regain consciousness, there would be alot of awkward explaining to do about what's gone on since January when he slipped into his coma. It hardly classifies as brilliant standup --more a comatose comedy shtick-- yet this imaginary conversation has been linked and getting yuks for months in Hebrew cyberspace, and finally was translated into English.

When Arik Woke Up

At Tel Hashomer Hospital, it is just before dawn, and Shmiel the orderly is on night duty in the private room of the “sleeping” former PM Sharon.

All the world, except Sharon himself, knows that he is no longer the Prime Minister of Israel. Shmiel sits, chomping on an apple, while the official bodyguard snores away.

Suddenly, all the machines start to beep madly. The PM is waking up!

Sharon stretches and says, “I haven’t slept like that for a long time! Get me [Reuven] Adler, I have some ideas for a new direction.”

Shmiel says, “Good morning, sir. How do you feel?”

Sharon answers, “I am dying of hunger. Where am I?”

The shabak agent continues to sleep while Shmiel explains to Sharon about his prolonged health crisis.

Sharon thinks it is all a practical joke and says, “So tonight you fooled with the PM, eh Shmiel?”

Shmiel says, “Sorry, sir, but truly, you are no longer the PM.”

This takes a few moments to sink in. Then Sharon asks, “So who replaced me?”

Shmiel answers, “Ehud Olmert.”

Sharon reacts, “Olmert? That Jerusalemite putz? What will happen if war breaks out, he does not know how to run the army! At least Shaul [Mofaz] is still there!”

Shmiel answers, “Mofaz is the Minister of Transportation.”

“So who is the Defence Minister?”

Shmiel says, “Peretz.”

“That old man is still alive?!” asks Sharon in wonderment.

Shmiel whispers trembling, “not Peres, Peretz. Amir Peretz.”

“What? Are you crazy? I close my eyes for a minute and you guys let a labor leader take over the defence of the country?! Not all the factories in Dimona are the same. Does he know that? Listen, get Omri here right away. He will fix everything.”

“Sorry sir, Omri is on his way to jail.”

“Jail?? for that shtus? I do not believe it. So get me my lawyer quickly. Get Klagsbald.”

Shmiel responds, Klagsbald is on his way to jail.”

Sharon calms down and says, “I knew I could count on Klagsbald. he will get Omri out of it.”

Shmiel corrects him and says, “No, sir. Klagsbald is also on his way to jail. He was driving and not paying attention and caused an accident unintentionally running over and killing a young woman and her son.”

Sharon said, “So bring me [Avigdor] Yitzchaki. He always knows how to fix these situations.”

“Sorry, sir. Yitzchaki is under his own investigation for tax fraud. He fixed things too much this time.”

“Can’t be. I know Yitzchaki. They must be framing him. So get me the Head of Police.”

“Sorry, sir, but Karadi is in investigation.”

“Of course he is. He is the head of police. I am sure he is in the middle of a number of investigations!”

“No, sir. Thi sis an investigation against him!”

Sharon takes a deep breath. It can’t be. The whole justice system has been ruined! We must get them out of this. Get me the minister of Internal Security, Tzachi [Hanegbi].”

“Sir, Hanegbi has been indicted for fraud, bribery and job fixing.He is not a minister anymore.”

“So get me the Justice Minister. Who did Olmert appoint?”

“Haim Ramon”

“So get him here!”

“Sorry sir. I can’t. He has been indicted and is on trial for misconduct.”

“What? So get me the president. That is still Katzav, right?”

“sorry sir, but Katzav is under investigation as well, for misconduct and wiretapping.”

“So get me the Chief of Staff, Boogie [Moshe Ayalon]. Sorry I mean Halutz, right?”

"Sir, he got into some trouble in the Lebanon War. Nothing criminal. he sold some stocks. He will soon be giving testimony to an investigative committee.”

“Halutz?? he was a young Piper pilot during the Lebanon War!”

“Sir, that would be the second Lebanon War, while you were sleeping. We… how should I say? lost the war but the PM said we should be patient, victory is coming.”

Sharon looked around his room. “What is your name and what is your position?”

“Shmiel, sir. I am a hospital attendant.”

“Ok, Shmiel. Do not tell anyone about this conversation.”

“You can count on me, sir.”

“I am going back to sleep."

Zzzzzzzzzz